So, yeah. I know. I have been neglectful.
I just spent a few minutes reading my past blog posts. Isn’t a little sad that I am still fighting the fight: with giving my disease with food to my Father who wants to take it from me and use it for good? Well I’m no quitter, and that includes this soap box! (Somewhere my Aquaman hubby is laughing silently.)
I have been needing to vent so hear goes. This is raw, people. (Brace yourself.)
I have clothes in my drawers and closets with tags on them that I can’t wear. Have never been able to wear. I can’t get rid of them because I “know I will get in them soon”.
I don’t know what it’s like to be at my “ideal” weight. It’s not that I don’t remember….I have never known.
I can’t walk by a mirror and see the “thin” me inside.
I often wonder why being a good person isn’t enough to make people think I’m pretty.
I love clothes and I love fashion, and that’s not a world for plus size girls. Real plus size girls, not ‘fashion world plus size’.
I watch my daughter’s food intake in stark fear that she will face the same crippling struggle I face.
Aaand, now I feel naked. Which is a whole other issue.
So, the one person who will read this: August 1 starts a new commitment. A new outlook on food, exercise, and a new diet partner: Jesus.
Yep. I’m scared I will fail. But I need to walk this path for real.
I am currently hanging my head in shame. I haven’t kept up with my blog like a true blogger.
Here’s what has happened since you’ve been gone:
I gained weight.
I cried about it.
We still haven’t bought a house.
Should be any day.
I’ve folded laundry.
My house is still a mess.
I’ve been to work.
I’ve attended basketball games, football games, and volleyball games.
I’ve been to church, sang, heard from the Lord.
I’ve still gained wright.
I’ve neglected my blog readers.
My life–in a plus size nutshell.
However, this day will be different. I have been on a workout/healthy eating plan since Monday and haven’t cheated. I still want to eat like other people eat. Drink all the pop, eat all the candy, and skip the elliptical like normal people. What is normal, anyway??
Anyway, I still want the things my body is used to having when I am angry, stressed, sad, happy, cold, hot, and disobedient. As I strain away from that, I feel that my strength is strained as well. Like someone who has fought too long, too hard, with no relief. I have a good friend whose son is battling cancer. Every day when she wakes up, he still has cancer. He is improving with treatments and should be finished with chemo by Christmas. God is working tirelessly on her son’s health. They have to be constantly vigilant about medicine and seeing doctors. One missed med or doctor visit and his health can be in danger. Not belittling her struggle by any means, but one small veer off my track will lead me down a road I am not capable of coming back from on my own.
So this is me, reporting live from the trenches of Dietville, where the war in my heart rages on!
I went yesterday with my husband to a volleyball tournament. (Oh the places you’ll go.) He hasn’t been coaching volleyball long and this was his and my first tournament. When we arrived, on the lobby of the fantastic gymnasium, were several card tables with lots and lots of snacks: fresh fruits, veggies, cheese, crackers, water, sports drinks, gum, etc. I just thought that teams all had a section that was setup for them. I looked for our team’s spot but never found it. I just figured I could find it later. The day went on and on and on and our girls got hungry. I set out again, looking for their table. All of a sudden it dawned on me: they brought their own. THEY brought tables, snacks, sings,etc., because they knew what to expect. They were all schools from big cities or privste Christian schools who had done thid before. As I investigated further, I noticed almost all parents had cushy seats with them, pulled large coolers behind them, and carried large bags with pillows and blankets. They were prepared for the full day of tournament play where their daugters might get hungry or tired and have to wait awhile to play.
As I sit and think about how hungry our girls got (they ate from the concession stand until we left) and how tired they were (have you ever laid on a bleacher?) as well as how sore my butt is (from 8 hrs straight), I realize how important being prepared really is. And not just in volleyball.
As Christians, we have the Bible as written instructions on how we should live, how to act, how to treat others, and how to receive Christ. As we walk, we can refer to this book, lookig for answers to questions. When we see others who are new in their Christian walk, I can only imagine how unprepared they must be for things that arise against them. Unbelievers, failures, sickness…they are unprepared when God’s answer isn’t yes. As mature Christians, we should prepare others for these times. Warn them that people will not understand. People will die. Marriages will fail. Every answer will not be yes. Show them in the Bible where it says that God will never leave them. That God will protect them. How He loves them and wants them to spend eternity with Him in the home He built for them. Think about it: they may not already know!
Why are you laughing?
Seriously, a little tongue goes a long way. And I am not talking about some French kissing…but I am not totally against that(have you seen my husband?? Yowza!) but that’s another blog post. When I say ‘a little tongue’, I mean to bring words to mind. Leaning over to a friend in church….whispering behind hands. Let’s face it: words can hurt. I have been guilty of this. Not gonna lie. And to be honest, I will struggle with it until the good Lord calls me home. Not often enough, I am not reminded of the consequences of even the littlest words. I was recently very directly affected by someone else’s false words. I was very hurt and confused about the reasons why someone would say false things. Then God used my hurt to teach me, which He does so well. When I talk out of turn or say something the “I heard”, people get hurt. True or not, words hurt.
The book of James deals almost entirely with the tongue and it’s damage capacity. James 3:8 tells us “But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.” Well hello positivity!
I am learning. It is tough, especially when others continue to talk. But with God’s provision, the truth will come to the light as God has promised it would!
Yep, it’s been awhile. Hey, sometimes life gets in the way. My hubby and I are in the process of buying a home. I have learned many new things about this process. Sometimes you can see things for what they really are. Just another confirmation that every thing glitters isn’t gold. (People included!!) I am just trying to be patient and let God work, thank Him for His blessings and provision, and keep things in a positive perspective.
Sometimes it’s very hard for me to let God work. I ask Him, beg Him, plead with Him to help me, keep me safe, watch over us….and then won’t let Him do His job! It’s obvious I can’t do it better. (Painfully obvious.)
Lord, help me to sit and let You work. All the sitting and worrying I do helps no one! Keep me focused on what I can do to help others and let You help me.
You remember me telling you about our little getaway? Well during that time, being around my kids 24/7 with no outlet (toys, fave videos, etc) was a little trying on my nerves. I know for a fact I took Journie to the bathroom 35 times in one day if not more. They followed me everywhere, tugging on me, ” Mom did you see that?” ” Can I have some more money?” “I gotta go potty.” “i hungry.” “I firsty.” I had waited so long to get out of town and they were so needy I couldn’t enjoy myself, dangit. I was moody for the rest of the trip.
As I write this, my daughter is laying on the bathroom floor trying to sleep as her stomach makes strange gurgling noises. She now has the stomach flu (apparently) and I can’t fix it. I can’t make the dry heaving stop. I can only hold her hair back and tell her, “it’s ok, just spit some more.”
I’m sorry, Lord, for thinking my time with my family was ruined by my family. Please forgive me for taking their company and health for granted and griping about their desire to share things with me. Help me to keep things in perspective as You want me too. When the time comes and I am again tempted to roll my eyes at them or ignore their little voices, show me this picture. My sick baby, who just wants to go to bed and watch Stwabewwy Showtcay-kuh. Thank you Jesus that you don’t roll your eyes when I call your name.
This weekend, my hubby and I took our kids out of town for an overnighter. With kids in tow, we did several things that they each would enjoy. One was swimming in the hotel pool. Journie, Jace and I splashed in the pool, while my sweet overtired hubby recouped in the hot tub. Earlier on the trip down, I mentioned that even though I wouldn’t trade a second of the time with our children, I wish that he and I had some time to ourselves. As Sis and I splashed around the pool, John got out of the hot tub and pulled Journie out of the pool. He wrapped her in a towel and set her gently on a poolside lounge chair. I didn’t understand at first, he took my hand and led me to the hot tub. While Journie chattered nonstop to us, we sat in the hot tub and held hands. Silly, but those few moments took some of the edge of the day off. Even though we are on a family vacations and are parents 24/7 without a break for a few days, we are still in love with each other and desire a relationship where quality time is spent on a consistent basis.
As I write this in order to mention how important quality time is with a spouse, I am convicted of the time my Savior wants to spend with me. It doesn’t have to be a lavish ceremony. Just genuine time with real honest love and companionship. The amount of time isn’t as important as the intimacy of the visit.